The Ticker
Batman Franchise way up
The new Crash down
Cronenberg's Crash up
Paul Auster way down
David Shields even
coffee down
tea up
My favorite experience in life is spending ten minutes going through a convoluted sequence of automated phone menus only to have your eventual operator ask what your account number is again and why are you calling. Sometimes I wonder if the automated menus are really doing anything at all--maybe they're just something some grad student in psych thought up to replace Muzak....something that gives the caller something to do (punch in numbers), which engenders a feeling of progress, and therefore, a feeling well being.
All I want is to talk to a person.
Circuit City has an awful awful one. Unemployment is particularly sadistic; It gives you the old one-two-three combination: first, all the BS menus (all the information they re-ask you, of course), second, the extremely long wait times, and then, the masterstroke, the "We can't take any more calls at this time, try back later" life-ruiner. I love how they make you wait fifteen minutes to find out that the line is busy. Brilliant! Recently I had the misfortune of riding the bus around LA and I got to the main bus/train depot in North Hollywood and there's no real signage and no one really works there and the little bus stops have destinations printed on them but no route maps and certainly no schedules. I call the MTA ride line and I hear "the approximate wait time is 20 minutes." Yes. Efficiency defined.
Today I had to call SAG because they won't let me use an actor for voiceover work unless I become a signatory production, blah blah blah..pay the actor scale, etc...pay the fee...takes 2 weeks. So I went through their website, didn't find the information there so I called down to their office on Wilshire with four questions: 1) What are the steps required to sign an ultra low-budget contract, 2) How much does it cost, 3) How long will it take, and 4) Can I conduct the VO session while the paperwork is being processed.
It took me 45 minutes on the phone and FIVE transfers to get this information. It was horrible. It was like this was the first time they had ever been asked these basic questions. They just kept transferring me and every time I'd have to launch into the whole narrative from the beginning. The last woman asked aloud, "Why did they transfer you over to ME? Why do I get you?" to which I said, "Lady, apparently I am fated to talk to each and every one of you until an answer to my questions is cobbled together." To which she actually laughed. She answered my questions (even though it wasn't her department...hmph!) and that was that. Man, it was awful. Really really horrible.
But it was still better than punching account numbers into my cell phone and hearing "The approximate wait time is eighteen minutes."
And forget about putting the phone down and going about your business for eighteen minutes. The last time I did that someone picked up about 2/3 of the way through my wait and when I wasn't there they hung up. So there.
7 comments:
The last really frustrating automated phone system experience I had was with UPS. They had a package for me, but never paid attention to the notes I left on the door telling them when they could deliver, so on their last attempt the delivery guy left me a message with a number where I could call and schedule a specific delivery time. No--what he gave me was a number where I could call and get lost in a variety of options that had nothing to do with what I actually needed. At one point I yelled into the phone, "Can I talk to a fucking person?!" To which the automated voice replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't get that." I think I actually banged the phone on the floor.
Why talk to humans when you have blog friends. Thanks for linking my blog to yours. Made my day.
As to the automated system: my least favorite is delta 8001-221-1212 (memorized). They have a pretend voice asking you to SAY the flight number. After yelling the flight number at them ten times, they say they're sorry that I'm having problems and HANG UP on me. I hate them. I only internet them now.
All hail the automated phone system! All hail! It is our leader! Nay it is our god! Full of mystery and exacting demands of pushbuttonery!
But have you seen that Saturday Night Live skit where Rachel Dratch meets that guy from Napolean Dynamite on a blind date? She's a living automated phone operator, so everything she says is to the effect of "I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please speak more clearly." or, "Let me repeat. You said..." Finally, Napolean Dynamite guy says, "So, how about we catch that movie?" and she responds, "Let me repeat. You said, 'Why don't we go back to your place and get naked?" And so they do.
It's hilarious. Though probably doesn't help the state of the world's automated No Exit of a hell.
Who is this? Identify yourself, damn you! It sounds like Dr. Write, but different.
Oh, sorry! I'm Rachel, an SLC person. I ran into Nik tonight & she told me about her blog, which is how I found your blog. And I should be studying, but now I think I might be addicted to reading everyone's blogs.
I've had this AT&T desk phone for about 20 years with all the bells and whistles. Just a couple of months ago I discovered I could put on the speaker phone when I was put on hold, then could do other things as long as I was in the same room. Amazing how long it takes sometimes to discover the simplest of things!
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