Post-Visit Analysis

After a lovely three nights in SLC I'm back in the rathole again. Salt Lake was spectacular--sunny and snowy and clear and everything this particular burg is not. I had the good fortune to finally meet the esteemed Lisa B and the Historian and Assertively Unhip...and to watch them move through space and inhabit three dimensions and produce one-liners from their mouths without the interface of a computer. Also good to see the Otter Butt herself and Zoe and Strange Polkas and Marsha, and, of course, Mr. Boonasty.

Got a last minute nonstop to LAX, thus avoiding the dreaded transfer in Sin City. Maybe things are turning around!

This is a picture of the Rossman stone cold chillin.



This is a picture of Middlebrow and Sleepy E preparing to do battle. Middlebrow prevailed this time around and shall retake possession of the Golden Woobie for the next year. Sleepy E was more enraged than he cares to admit. The game was his to lose...and he lost.



This is a picture of Dr. Write and Son tromping through the snow near the reservoir. Snow. Snow!



This is a picture of the very innocent Assertively Unhip stone cold tippin at the lanes.



This is a picture of the explosive Mr. Boonasty documenting off-camera knife fights at the lanes. Boonasty's high-velocity bowling makes the powerball of Beefcake look downright wimpy. I have never seen such spectacular pin action. Watch the pins detonate. Detonate! Middlebrow shocks the world with his finessy style points, rolling an evening-high 153. He self-destructs during the second game, getting crushed by Dr. Write and losing the crown to the underachieving Condiment.



This is a picture of Middlebrow and Dr. Write sedated and snuggling.



It's only fitting that on my last night Middlebrow and I wound up (by consensus) at the Salt Lake Roasting Company (and not the bar), sipping tea and talking about bran intake and 401(k)s. Ah, youth.

There was also a piercing Jazz game somewhere in there.

HIFF

I am pleased to report that Way of the Puck has been accepted into the 2006 Houston International Film Festival--Worldfest. Screening times are TBD but it'll go down near the end of April. This is especially cool since--as you probably already know--Houston is the capital of air hockey and we could get a good strong rowdy turnout there.

Now I have to finish the movie, though, which will be a pain worse than death.

I'll be cutting and recutting and tweaking right up to the end, and this will dominate my life for the next two months solid. Oof. I'm not sure I can get it ready in time but I will try my best.

I've held a grudge against this particular festival for twelve years now. Back in 94 I sent them my student short "the Delivery" and paid the very high entry fee (2-3x as much as everyone else), but never heard back. Nothing. No confirmation or rejection letter, no flyer with the names of winners, nothing. One day my check was cashed, and that is all.

Weird to think that they are the first ones to see any value in my newest movie...and that their endorsement will pave the way for acceptance elsewhere.

Thanks for listening.

Korn on the Kob

This is a picture of Korn.



This is another picture of Korn.



This is a picture of one Korn. Or a cernel. Or a kolonel.



This is a picture of their custom mic stand, sculped by one HR Giger.



This is a picture of HR Giger's inscription, which means it must be true.



This is a picture of Korn-E (Korny), the newest member.



Remember, never overcook your Korn.

The Further Misadventures of Bait & Switch, Vol. 1

Author's note: The roles of Ms. Bait and Mr. Switch shall be played by the same two actors from episode to episode, using cosmetic disguise to create the illusion of difference in landlords.

Tuesday's Episode: 917 N. Curson #4 West Hollywood, CA

Fade In:

E drives and drives and drives.

E: Damn, I'm getting tired of this. I've been looking for a place for almost a month now. This is a total waste of time. I'm gonna build a yurt...or live in a storage unit, or something.

Thirty minutes later:

E arrives at his destination in leafy, funky Weho. He is pleased that the building is not a rathole and the he is within walking distance to the Tomkat (formerly the Pussycat) Theater. He checks his watch and sees that he is fifteen minutes early, but decides to prowl around anyway. Amazingly, the landlord is already waiting in the vacant apartment. E enters.

Switchman: Hello?
E: Oh, hi. I'm E. I'm here about the apartment.
Switchman: Oh, hello, I'm Mr. Switchman.
E: Switch...man? You're dead ringers for this other guy I know, Mr. Switch.
Switchman: I get a lot of that. Nope, it's Switchman.
E: Hmmm.

E looks around the apartment. He is pleased. The apartment is large and sunny and free of rats.

E: The apartment is big and bright, and the price is right...
Switchman: I've had so many calls on this unit, but you're the first to see it, lucky you!
E: You know, I think I've rented from you before, actually.
Switchman: Oh, really?
E: Yeah, in Los Feliz, on Kingsley.
Switchman: Oh, sure. Now I remember.
E: I was in there for about three years.
Switchman: (smiles) Well, that's a good sign.
E: I remember vividly because you gave me my entire deposit back, and I was..well...how shall I say...IMPRESSED.

E looks at Switchman and looks away.

E: I'll take it.
Switchman: Great, so here's the preliminary paperwork. If you're an independent contractor then we'll need a xeroxed bank statement and tax form from last year and your last few pay stubs. Get a money order for half of the security deposit, fill out the credit check form and call me when you finish and we can meet up again.
E: Okay.

E drives drives drives and handles all this stuff, then drives drives drives back to Weho and meets Switchman at his own pad near Crescent Heights. It is tastefully decorated and pet-free. Switchman looks through E's paperwork.

Switchman: This is great, perfect, so organized, my...They're going to love this.
E: Great.
Switchman: So, I 'll send this in and Ms. Bait will run a credit check on you...which I'm sure you'll pass...
E: My credit is unstoppable.
Switchman: ...And then you can come by and sign the lease.
E: (under) I would do anything for this apartment.
Switchman: Excuse me?
E: Nothing.

The next day:

E wakes up with a feeling of dread in his gut. Something is going awry with the apartment, he knows it.

E: Jesus, what is this feeling I'm having? I feel so moody and out-of-control. If I don't get this apartment I'm going to smash things with my fists. What is this feeling? I know, it's like being in love with one of my erratic ex-girlfriends. Ah, this feeling takes me back to darker times. But I was alive then, so alive! But why am I worried, anyway? It's a shoo-in! An absolute no-brainer--

E's cell phone vibrates.

E: Hello?
Bait: Hi, this is Ms. Bait from B&S Property Management. I have some terrible news...
E: Don't tell me I didn't pass the credit check--
Bait: No, your credit is unstoppable.
E: What then?
Bait: The building is being sold and the new owners want to fill the vacancy themselves.

Pause.

E: Huh? Then, why...
Bait: I don't know, I'm sorry. We just found out.
E: What. Truly?
Bait: Truly, truly!
E: Is there some other reason you don't want to rent to me?
Bait: No, it's not you. It's not you.
E: I spent all yesterday handling all the paperwork.
Bait: I'm so sorry. I didn't want to make this phone call...

Pause.

Bait: We'll send you a check for the amount of the deposit--

E hangs up and goes for a long, knee-pounding run but he is still enraged so goes out to the garage and flattens aluminum cans for forty-five minutes.

Blackout.


Tomorrow: An Unexpected Twist!

The Further Misadventures of Bait & Switch, Vol. 2

Author's note: The roles of Ms. Bait and Mr. Switch shall be played by the same two actors from episode to episode, using cosmetic disguise to create the illusion of difference in landlords.

Today's episode: 1255 N. Harper Ave. #14 West Hollywood, CA

Fade in:

Sleepy E navigates his car through miserable crosstown traffic.

E: Fuck! Ever since they put in that Target and Best Buy on Santa Monica Blvd everything is awful. Hollywood is awful, Sunset is awful, Fountain is awful till LaBrea, Beverly is awful after Fairfax...

He honks at a nonchalant jaywalker, refusing to slow, nearly colliding.

E: This apartment is in a great location, though. Walking distance to the finest multi-screen arthouse theater in LA, walking distance to shops and bars and a social life. Ah, social life...

E drives and drives and drives.

Thirty minutes later:

E stands in front of the apartment building, waiting, waiting, waiting for the landlord, Ms. Bait, to appear. She does, ten minutes after the scheduled meeting time. Bait guides E to the second-story apartment and unlocks the unit.

E stares.

E: I'm sorry, I thought the ad said this was...six-hundred and...
Bait: Right, 650 square feet.
E: This is not 650 square feet.
Bait: No, it is.

Pause.

E: I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that.

E removes a bright yellow 25-foot Fat Max steel tape from his messenger bag and starts measuring. Bait frowns, displeased.

E: I'm just curious, that's all. It's not that I don't believe you.

E finishes his measurements and tries to do the math in his head. He fails. He writes it down on the back of the fraudulent advert itself.

E: Twenty-eight by fifteen is...420 feet.
Bait: .....
E: That's not 650 feet. That's 420 feet. That's over a 50% exaggeration!
Bait: Well, that's what my husband said it was so that's what I put in the ad.

E's eyeline drifts off the paper and onto the floor below.

E: These are not hardwood floors.
Bait: What do you mean?
E: This is that fake flooring stuff they put down. This is not wood.
Bait: These are hardwood floors.

E sees a tiny nook off to the side with a curtain covering the entrance.

E: Is that the bedroom?
Bait: Mmm-hmm, it's small, but...
E: There's no door even. Shouldn't this be a "junior 1-bedroom" or a "single" or something?
Bait: No, this is a one bedroom.

Pause.

Bait: So, are you still interested?
E: How much is this again?
Bait: $1,200 a month.
E: Is the pool heated?
Bait: No.

Pause.

E: Corpsed.

Blackout.


Yesterdays episode, Vol. 1, forthcoming....

Breaking the Silence/Resolutions

I wouldn't say that I'm into New Years Resolutions, necessarily, but I am big on goals. Call me Taskmaster E. Each year, each month, each week gets its to-do list.

So I'm happy to report the very first goal-failure of 2006: Blog Less.

Usually the act of writing a goal down helps to solidify its importance...yet the pull of the blogosphere is mighty like the moon on the tides...I am already sucked back into my 2005ish ways after only two weeks of reticence. (Dr. Write has fared better, I feel...Otter butt also).

Ultimately, it is not the act of blogging that is the problem, but the act of perpetually checking everyone's blog for new comments that squanders my productive hours. Unfortunately, it is difficult to have one without the other. Oh well. Such is life.

But I will blog less when World Cup comes round, tho! I promise!