Well, I turned 36 last week and I'm easily in the worst shape of my life. I've been far heavier before (nearly 240 lbs then v. 225 now) but never have a been this physically unfit. I gained about 20 lbs on the Meat Train and didn't exercise once over the course of those eight weeks.
Then I went and played b-ball on Sunday. Whoa. I played decently, considering I had to sit out most of the time to regulate my breathing, but one glaring thing stood out (besides sucking air the whole time): I Should Be Dominating These People.
I Should Score At Will On These Guys.
I'm being beaten down the court by intermural guys, guys who got cut from JV, you know, HOBBYISTS... It's humiliating, really. This got me thinking about another humiliating thing in my life: The fact that I'm 6'5 and I can't dunk anymore. So after watching Baron Davis pack that facial over square-jawed Karilenko last week I got inspired to do something about it. I haven't been able to jam with any regularity since I went to go live abroad in 96. I might have put down some baby dunks in Korea but I didn't really play in Japan and I didn't really get into a real game in LA until 2001.
So I haven't been able to dunk regularly in over ten years.
I'm giving myself three months to put one down with authority, and four months to do it with regularity, and six months to do it in a game off the dribble.
I'm also going to drop 30 lbs. (but not in 3 months).
Am I the Shawn Kemp Comeback of the Chevy Chase Rec Center in Atwater Village? Am I that absurd? Perhaps. Perhaps an almost-40, slow-footed white guy has no business looking cool on the court and I should just work on my set shots and chuck 3s like everyone else.
So these are the goals:
1. Score at Will
2. Lose 30 lbs
3. Dunk
Also, I assure you: I am not using the definite goal of dunking as way of conquering the abstract goal of getting in shape.
I just want to dunk.
Time to strap on the Strength Shoes.
3 comments:
I completely support you in your Shawn Kempesque comeback bid--but I think you need to rethink the dunk goal. You need instead to develop the old man game, which is my project. Example: of late I have been incorporating the hook shot into my game. It's easy on the back and knees, difficult to defend, and high percentage once you get the hang of it.
So in response to Sleepy E's list, here is mine.
1) Lose 10 pounds.
2) Score--if not at will--consistently.
3) Develop an unstoppable old-man hook shot that will perplex and infuriate the youngins'
4) Keep working on my top-of-the-key three point set shot (which will continue to perplex and infuriate Sleepy E in our one-on-one battles. "How did flat bank shot Picky develop an outside shot?" he's been asking for the last five years.
5) Stay close to the ground.
Not that I have ever been able to do one single athletic thing, but I still would like a pair of Strength Shoes.
Try the ELFS diet (eat less food, stupid): it actually works, as long as you don't go back to eating more food again once you lose some poundage.
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