Five years ago Sleepy E followed his friend D into a little shop in SoHo where she got her palm read. D is half English and half Indian and at that time she was 27 or 28 or maybe 29. The palm reader was a slender middle-aged woman and gave D all the standard rhetoric (you're a traveler, you're artistic and your work involves creativity, you've been thinking about motherhood lately). Well, duh. What else do you say to a well-dressed English lass in her late 20s traipsing around SoHo?
Of course D ate it up. And of course Sleepy E guffawed. There is a similar scene in "Before Sunrise"; E was just as derisive as Ethan Hawke and D was just as indignant as Julie Delpy. E remembers thinking about how Richard Linklater had really pinpointed a universal truth about men and women. Who knew about the divisive quality of fortune tellers before that? He sure didn't. What's peculiar is how annoyed he actually got. Why did he care how she spent her money or how she interpreted the reading she was given?
So why is Sleepy E (formerly Empirical E) thinking about spending $300 to consult a Locational Fortune Teller (LoFT)? Because B says it works.
B told me him other day that his mother went to one of these guys. The LoFT gave her a list of cities she should consider relocating to; she chose one one of the B-listed cities, moved, and immediately got a better job making more than she's ever made before. She's found a circle of friends in this new place, has a great job and a great house, and couldn't be happier.
Apparently, the LoFT's success rate hovers around 90%, though Sleepy E's not sure how these results are calculated. Probably no one who visits the LoFT is very happy where they live. So a move away from Poisonville will meet with high marks, at least at first. The new city itself is secondary to the act of moving forward, anywhere. Of course, your life and its unique blend of Miseries will always catch up with you in the end, which is why an honest LoFT should do a follow up every seven years like those Michael Apted films.
This is how it works: You pay the guy $300. You give him your birth date, place, and time, and tell him a little about yourself. He consults his charts. He gives you a list of three cities that fit you the best and gives you the times of the year when the city will present itself to you "most accurately." He'll also throw in a secondary list of cities that aren't perfect but will be a definite improvement.
B's mom got a discounted reading for him at the same time. He's considering moving to Amsterdam based on the results.
Sleepy E (formerly Empirical E) can't believe he's turning back the clock to a time when logic does not trump intuition anymore. He imagines he's on the plains in the early 1800s in some mud-floored hut. These days are pre-germ theory and sicknesses come from Miasmas! Watch out for the morning dew! There is malaria and cholera and no DipTet boosters around for miles. And there is a little band of gypsies travelling around and one of them--a wizened old lady (women traditionally have a close contract with the devil)--tells fortunes. She wears a headscarf, heavy earrings, and a hundred bangles. Sleepy E doesn't think his goat sacrifices have been working and his castor oil diet isn't improving his dizzy spells. But he gets in line anyway to find out about his future. How can he resist?
So where do this guy's "charts" come from? The Internet? Can I download them as a pdf? What if he tells me to move to Pt. Barrow, Alaska? What then? What if he is my age--or younger--and he's wearing a Lakers tee and Tevas instead of the usual Theatrical Wardrobe of the Psychic? Will this make him any less credible? Must he offer me a taste of the occult--a pinch of the forbidden--for me to get something out of it? Will I believe him any less? Does it matter? Why should I put my future in the hands of a charlatan? What if it works?
2 comments:
Other than you and I both being perennial overanalyzers, this is what I think. It doesn't take a psychic to tell you that L.A. sucks the life out of you. It also doesn't take a psychic to tell you that you would be happier in a place like Austin, Texas or Madison, Wisconsin or Athens, Georgia...or some other laid-back creative city.
Save your money.
Heck, for $300 you could have 3 full hour sessions with ME :) I do have a set of Tarot cards if it makes you feel better. Or, I could pull out the bag of runes and toss them on the proverbial couch.
Anyhow, here comes the cliche (I really do need to write an article on cliches) - Follow your bliss...listen to your heart...do what you already know is right.
See ya
Oh yeah, I really liked the old west imagery. Although, the whole goat sacrficing thing was a bit disturbing...heh
I'll do it for $100. Here's a taste:
1. Salt Lake City (instant friends and free cheap beer. Also: instant status as Favorite Uncle. Also: maybe you can get a job on Everwood)
2. Portland Oregon (c'mon, who wouldn't be happy in Portland?)
3. Any College Town in the lower 48 (Eugene, Bellingham?, Missoula, okay, maybe that's too hicksville)
4. Anywhere East of LA? The farther away from LA you get, the more precious your skills become. In LA, you are part of the herd. In SLC? Not so much. Meaning: you could teach somewhere. (not that I want to recommend teaching, it's not very lucrative. It can be fun. Remind me to tell you about the film my student made for a "word-image" project in creative writing. It was really good!)
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