Today a director I used to work with called me out of the blue and asked me how my documentary was coming. This was odd for three reasons: 1) directors don't call me, 2) It's been about a year and a half since I've seen this guy, and 3) I don't think I ever told him about my project. Surely he wanted something.
Yes, of course...his friend had written a script about air hockey that was "friggin hilarious." The problem: He'd never actually seen real air hockey action. This is where I come in. I'm supposed to deliver them a DVD of my rought edit so that he can take the best parts out and put them in his "Dodgeball" retread. "This script is hilarious," he repeated. "You should get in on it. Maybe if you help him out he'll let you collaborate on it or something."
Now this kind of story has a familiar ring to it. Country rube makes good, goes to Hollywood, has his work appropriated and bastardized, gets cheated, gets upset, gets drunk, kills himself, and then goes back home where his old girlfriend won't take him back.
"Someone's gonna make a movie about air hockey soon, and it's gonna be big. They're making comedies about all kinds of retarded sports these days. My friend just sold a logging comedy for six figures."
Now, it's not that I'm against selling out. On the contrary, I'm all for it. I'll sell out with a wink and a smile and then use the cash to work on some more meaningful projects. But something nags at me here. I wouldn't call it a crisis of conscience or anything like that, but when Hollywood finally does an air hockey movie (which they just might), it'll be vapid and insulting and forgettable, just like "Dodgeball." It can't be any other way. A Hollywood air hockey movie will be broad comedy. It has to be. And it'll make millions.
And it's not as though I feel protective of the air hockey players who have opened up their lives to me. Or that a movie about air hockey has to be earnest, hard-hitting drama. I think these guys can handle themselves; they understand that they are playing kind of a fringe sport. Furthermore, if a Ben Stiller air hockey movie came out that mocked their subculture but had the end result of increasing air hockey interest by a thousandfold, well, I don't think they would mind that too much either.
So what is it then? What is this vague sense of...of...horrible dread? Why do I not want to help out this director and his writing friend? Why do I want to get drunk and vomit on their shoes? It couldn't be an integrity issue--I have none of that. No, maybe it's because it's a spec enterprise.
Yes, that's what it is. That's where I draw the line, dammit: I Won't Sell Out On Spec. Show me the money and I'll do whatever you want. Otherwise just leave me alone.
9 comments:
What would bothers me most about the discussion as you report it is that they want to use your stuff. You will, of course, get the "third location director" or whatever they call people they rip stuff off of and your piece as you envision it is completely consumed in their crapola only since they have no willingness to invest in actually filming air hockey. The upshot is that you lose your rights to the footage and have gaping holes in your original project. Am I reading that right? I know nothing about Hollywood or any industry for that matter aside from the teaching gig, but I know I would be very leery of anyone who wanted to incorporate my work into theirs on spec--especially when you might be on top of something that could net you a name etc. etc.
Sorry if I misled. My "they will take the best parts" comment was more bemused analysis of the situation than an actual written agreement between us. I would never ever hand over the rights to anything I did (unless there was a massive payout, and even then I would still retain the right to show my movie in its entirety). No, I just know that they would extract all of the little details (the mallet varietals, the strange injuries, the nicknames, the protective equipment (kneepads, thigh pads, gloves of various kinds), the history, the philosophical attitude toward the sport) and insert it into their script as wallpaper. I feel very possessive about this stuff and will have spent 2 years on this project when I am finished...I don't want to just hand over the goods just to "play nice."
Gotcha. Still it smacks of laziness to me: they don't want to go out and do actually the research. I'm sure they are looking at the whole Napoleon Dynamite thing and saying "looky! people like to watch movies about social throwbacks!" Meh. You're right, there is no heart in their movie.
Last night we watched the "D Girl" episode of the Sopranos (season 2, yeah, we're behind). Anyway, your dilemma reminds me of that. These "Hollywood" types don't have any real experiences of their own, so they steal the experiences of mobsters to put in their scripts. It's eerily like the situation you describe. But he's a mobster (in the Sopranos) so I was disappointed that he didn't just "clip" the unethical Hollywoodite. Sigh. There is no justice.
And since we're on a quasi throwback theme: They Might Be Giants? Sell outs? Affected? Strangly relevant?
Is this a question on whether TMBG are sellouts or not? I know they do a couple of TV theme songs, right? I have Big Respect for these guys (Mad Props, yeee-uh!)...And they put out 2 (TWO!) children's records (probably for their own kids), which has to be the kiss of death for any rock band. Can you imagine if Aerosmith decided to make a children's DVD? The label would shut that down in a hurry. I adore TMBG and I'm happy that they are able to finally make some cash off of their music.
Totally agree about TMBG. Also thing "I Won't Sell Out on Spec" is an important ethical and moral principle. You should turn it into a tee shirt.
Well aside from "strangely relevant" I was just repeating things I've heard from various folks over the years about TMBG. The one that bugs me is "affected." What the hell band/singer isn't affected? Its all show biz, kids. In fact, I might argue that they are one of the least affected bands out there. Well maybe I wouldn't go so far. Ok, I'll meet you in Nephi on that one.
OMG! I can't believe I have been absent from blogging long enough to miss this piece.
Yeah, one of my pet peeves is people who call you out of the blue and begin the conversation with some kind of feigned interest into your life, only to come out with the real agenda moments after you respond.
Use the force Luke. Trust your feelings!
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