The Further Misadventures of Bait & Switch, Vol. 2

Author's note: The roles of Ms. Bait and Mr. Switch shall be played by the same two actors from episode to episode, using cosmetic disguise to create the illusion of difference in landlords.

Today's episode: 1255 N. Harper Ave. #14 West Hollywood, CA

Fade in:

Sleepy E navigates his car through miserable crosstown traffic.

E: Fuck! Ever since they put in that Target and Best Buy on Santa Monica Blvd everything is awful. Hollywood is awful, Sunset is awful, Fountain is awful till LaBrea, Beverly is awful after Fairfax...

He honks at a nonchalant jaywalker, refusing to slow, nearly colliding.

E: This apartment is in a great location, though. Walking distance to the finest multi-screen arthouse theater in LA, walking distance to shops and bars and a social life. Ah, social life...

E drives and drives and drives.

Thirty minutes later:

E stands in front of the apartment building, waiting, waiting, waiting for the landlord, Ms. Bait, to appear. She does, ten minutes after the scheduled meeting time. Bait guides E to the second-story apartment and unlocks the unit.

E stares.

E: I'm sorry, I thought the ad said this was...six-hundred and...
Bait: Right, 650 square feet.
E: This is not 650 square feet.
Bait: No, it is.

Pause.

E: I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that.

E removes a bright yellow 25-foot Fat Max steel tape from his messenger bag and starts measuring. Bait frowns, displeased.

E: I'm just curious, that's all. It's not that I don't believe you.

E finishes his measurements and tries to do the math in his head. He fails. He writes it down on the back of the fraudulent advert itself.

E: Twenty-eight by fifteen is...420 feet.
Bait: .....
E: That's not 650 feet. That's 420 feet. That's over a 50% exaggeration!
Bait: Well, that's what my husband said it was so that's what I put in the ad.

E's eyeline drifts off the paper and onto the floor below.

E: These are not hardwood floors.
Bait: What do you mean?
E: This is that fake flooring stuff they put down. This is not wood.
Bait: These are hardwood floors.

E sees a tiny nook off to the side with a curtain covering the entrance.

E: Is that the bedroom?
Bait: Mmm-hmm, it's small, but...
E: There's no door even. Shouldn't this be a "junior 1-bedroom" or a "single" or something?
Bait: No, this is a one bedroom.

Pause.

Bait: So, are you still interested?
E: How much is this again?
Bait: $1,200 a month.
E: Is the pool heated?
Bait: No.

Pause.

E: Corpsed.

Blackout.


Yesterdays episode, Vol. 1, forthcoming....